Tom Humes

Growing and learning together

Schooling came with challenges, particularly at a time when autism awareness and support were limited.

“There were a lot of frustrations there too,” said Andrea. “At that time there wasn’t much in the way of autism awareness, and little support. But me and his dad stuck it out and helped him through it. Just the three of us.”

Andrea describes years of close one-on-one connection, teaching Tom how the world works while developing a deeper understanding of autism.

“We had a lot of one-to-one time as mother and son,” said Andrea. “We did a lot of writing, colouring and walking together. We interacted all the time, both growing and learning from each other. I taught him everything from how to exchange money to how to write his own name. Tom has achieved so much. We’ve come a long way.”

Putting the pieces together of a jigsaw

Andrea describes parenting a child with autism as a constant process of problem-solving. Her insight into Tom’s sensory needs has been central to supporting his wellbeing. It’s what she describes as “putting the pieces together of a jigsaw.” They work it out together.

“If you have faith in your child, the reality is what is right in front of you, that is all,” said Andrea. “I don’t worry about the world outside. What you know about your child is right, and you stick to it. As a parent you’re nurturing. It’s all about love, and love is sacrifice. You would do anything for your child.”

Creative problem-solving

Andrea’s parenting approach has been rooted in adaptability.

“Don’t stress too much about behaviour, because it will keep changing,” said Andrea. “And you’ve got to have a sense of humour about it!”

Andrea gave an example:

“Tom didn’t know how much toilet paper to use. I knew I had to work around it – I’ve got to create a solution, as I’m living with him 24/7. So, I showed him my hands and said “1,2” with each hand, so then he only pulled two bits of paper at a time – he keeps me on my toes!”

Likewise, when Tom was a child, he avoided eye contact. Andrea’s solution was to take two toilet rolls and look through them like binoculars.

“He was in his own little world, so it got his attention – he looked me straight in the eyes through the toilet rolls.”

Problem-solving comes into every aspect of their lives, even Tom’s diet. “I realised that he needed to be lactose-free, so we cut it out. And apart from not vomiting, it really helped with behaviours.”

Patience is key

There’s an unspoken language between Andrea and her son, a tight bond grown from years of close, quiet interactions. But this has come with time, and most importantly, patience. “Patience is key,” said Andrea.

“The genius part of Tom is that he understands everything,” said Andrea. “He uses all his senses. He sees and he hears – he just can’t speak. If someone is struggling to communicate with him, I tell them that he understands you, but maybe you’re not listening.”

Andrea is incredibly humble in account of her parenting, with her warming nature, impressive problem-solving skills and intuitive understanding of the complex behaviours related to autism.

But for a parent whose child may have been recently diagnosed, what should they expect?

“Always expect the unexpected!” said Andrea. “As the parent, you’re also their teacher, their best friend, their nurse, you’re their everything. I used to worry like every other parent. But you have to let them go and allow them to take care of themselves where they can.”